Being on Your Own Side

Not long ago I came across a mindfulness exercise:  "Several time a day, ask yourself: Am I on my own side here?  Am I looking out for my own best interests?"  This exercise in mindfulness hits the heart of the matter for me, as I tend to be my own worst critic, as well as helping others first regardless of the impact on myself.

I noticed a few things while practicing being mindful of these questions when I felt hurt, disappointed, stressed and irritated.  My usual (internal) style of dealing with these kinds of feelings has been to feel sorry for myself, and replay internal messages that have developed through the years that tell me I'm not worth being treated well.  Failed past relationships (of many types) play a role here, and my primary fear is being vulnerable, put down, minimized, or disrespected.  And acting out of that fear, it seems, has simply propagated the failures by leading me to act in ways that ensure that the fear is played out.  In other words, I become an unconscious participant in self-sabotage.

A case in point from this week illustrates the pattern trying exerting itself.  A friend, who had asked to have lunch so they could process a situation, postponed lunch once, then decided to go to work on the rescheduled date, forgetting to let me know.  My internal thought habits rapidly kicked in!  "I'm not worth the respect of a phone call."  "I'm not valued."  "I won't say anything about how it felt because I don't want them to feel bad."  "Why should I care about me, no one else does."  But this time, given the mindfulness practice instruction, I became consciously aware of this chain of thought.  I stayed with the feelings.  When the habitual thoughts were presented, I could, in the moment, see them in term of how and why they arose.  Other past feelings of rejection had put me on hyper-alert for signs of rejection.  And seeing this, I asked myself how much of what I'm feeling belongs to those past events, and how much belongs to what is presently happening?  I know this friend was not rejecting me, but has many things distracting their attention.  This was the reason they asked to talk in the first place!  But I saw a pattern of allowing it to be okay for someone to disrespect me.  By not being clear about how it felt, I have tacitly and inadvertently given the message that it's okay not to be considerate of me.   This is the part of me that fears asserting myself and defers instead of insisting on being treated well.  But am I on my own side when I do that?  Clearly not!  When someone else is disrespected, I will speak out.  As hard as it is to do so (because it is not yet my pattern), if I don't insist on respect for myself, then who will?

We cannot change our futures by continuing to repeat the failed patterns of the past.  And we cannot expect others to respect us if we don't first respect ourselves.

Motivation and Priorities: I Don't Have Time

"I really need to lose weight and get in shape. I should get some regular exercise in but I don't have time.  I should cook more healthy meals, but I don't have time."

Does this sound like you?  I get it.  Finding time for self-care can be difficult with busy schedules, needing to work and bend to the demands of a job and/or an employer. Even if you're self-employed, the pressure to get things done can feel overwhelming.

"I don't have time" is also a rationale that many people will empathize and sympathize with, and it's often the ticket to get a pass from others to delay or put off self-care without seeming like you're not focused on self-care.

So, why don’t we do the things that we really (believe and say) we need to do to become healthier and happier in body, mind and spirit?  We begin exploring this self-sabotaging by looking at the following three issues that impact what we do: Motivation, Priorities, Time Management and Organization.

Motivation is the driving force behind doing anything.  That driving force can be strong enough to move us to action (e.g., dodging a ball thrown at us) or it can be weak and not compelling enough to make us do something (e.g., not making a dental appointment).  Motivators can also be positive, such as anticipating the taste and feeling of eating ice cream; or negative, such as anticipating the feeling of being hit by a car if you don’t get across the street quickly enough. And motivation can come from within (internal motivation) or from outside ourselves (external).  Feeling motivated can change over time as our emotions and perceptions change.  In fact, our emotions and perceptions are large factors in motivations.  When trying to develop, maintain, or enhance motivation, it helps to take an honest look at what is driving or inhibiting you from accomplishing your goal.

Priorities, simply put, are the things that are important to us.  The more important it is to us to reach a goal, the more motivated we are to actually do something about it.  If someone asks us what our priorities are, usually most people have little difficulty talking about what’s important to them, and what goals they have.  But in reality, our priorities show up more profoundly not in what we say, but in what we actually do.  When we say “I don’t have time,” there are two possibilities: we actually do not have the time, or it really isn’t a priority.  In either case, there is something we can do.  If we are having difficulty finding time for things important to us, then we need to look at how we are managing time and organizing our life.  On the other hand, if what we need to do is not a priority, we may need to look at developing and enhancing our motivation to accomplish the goal.  

Time Management & Organization can be a real key for some people to break through and begin accomplishing things they have been wanting and needing to accomplish.  When “I don’t have time” really translates to “I don’t manage my time well enough to …” then the first task in accomplishing goals will be to develop and practice new time management and organization skills.  The first thing to do is to do a “time audit.” Now, there are many formal ways to do this, including paying someone to help; but my suggestion is to just start being mindful where you are spending time, but unless you have a photographic memory, you will have to keep some type of log to know where you are spending your time.  It may also be useful to begin to notice patterns in when you are most efficient throughout the day or week. The information you collect here will help with the next stage of making time management and organization changes.  Next, look where you have time available, and what you may want to stop spending your time doing (e.g., activities that don’t promote reaching and fulfilling goals and activities that actually make goals more difficult for you to reach). Then, schedule time for working on your priorities, including self-care and other activities that will increase your ability to reach other important goal. For example, if your goal is to practice meditation, then put your meditation time on your schedule.  If your goal is to read, then set aside time that you specifically dedicate to reading.  

I think most of us have used the “I don’t have time” rationale for not working on self-care and other goals.  Making changes can be difficult and working on new goals takes us into new areas that can be out of our comfort zone.  But if the goal is really important, to your mental health, physical health, or spiritual health, then it really may not be that “I don’t have time” for self-care; the truth may be that “I don’t have time” to not do self-care activities!

Retreat: Gaining Perspective to Move Forward

Retreat.  What do you think of when you hear the word?  I suspect that different people have different images and ideas.  Some military minds may have a negative reaction to the concept of retreat, feeling it encompasses the ideas of giving up or conceding.  Other military minds may have studied the tactical advantages of retreat as a way of consolidating resources or gaining an advantage at a different time or place.  The spiritual minded person may hold the idea of retreat as one of leaving the daily grind of the world for a time in order to go inward to make or grow a sense of spiritual connection and personal growth.  And in some businesses, the idea of retreat may mean taking the business team off to a resort for rest and relaxation, but also for morale and team building.

So do these common notions of “retreat” share a mutual theme?  In all of these versions of retreat, the motif seems to be that of stepping away to gain balance, knowledge and growth.  The natural cycles of plants and animals exhibit this, retreating in fall and winter only to emerge from their withdrawal in the spring, rejuvenated and full of new energy and growth.  We can learn much from these natural cycles, and create times of retreat for ourselves aimed toward new growth, new ideas, and renewed energy. 

     DeSoto Falls

Retreat can be anything from an elaborate and structured time away from the cycle or routine of work and daily life to an hour at the beach to reflect, and anything on the spectrum between these.  Retreat provides the opportunity for reflection and perspective.  Retreat gives space to creatively consider and reshape how our priorities and goals align with our values and ethics.  Paradoxically, retreat can provide the insight and momentum to advance with renewed focus and power.

All of that is a great rationale for taking some time away, and if you simply take a "vacation" to just get away from the daily grind, that can be very useful.  But I think you can see that what I'm suggesting here as retreat involves something a bit more than a weekend getaway to the mountains, as appealing as that is!  What I'm suggesting is that the spirit of retreat involves something more intentional, in growth of mind, body and/or spirit.  All I can speak to is my own experience. I have taken solitary and intentional retreats at several times in my life, most of which have been, unsurprisingly, at or before major transitions or transformations in my life.  What these retreats have had in common is that they allowed me a space and time to consider life and my life as a whole, and to notice the context of my life, goals and plans.  Meditation has been a key part of this time, being able to notice and explore my own mind, my thoughts and beliefs, and to be able to make choices about the direction of my priorities and goals, and to evaluate how aligned these have been with my values.  An important stance in retreat is that of openness; openness to learning about oneself, and openness to changing those things which are not useful in fulfilling one's own values.  One retreat took me on a path to making a career change after over two decades as a successful Software Analyst, Developer, and Project Manager.  Another sent me down the path of opening The Bindu Institute as a means to fulfilling my values of service and healing.  In practicing retreat, I have learned to listen more carefully and more often to my "inner wisdom."

Simple Mindfulness

It seems that wherever you turn these days, whether in health and wellness, counseling, energy, healing or personal growth, the concept of mindfulness is present.  Is this just a fad?  Or maybe a bandwagon effect?  Or is there something about the practice of mindfulness that applies across a broad spectrum of self-growth practices?  I contend that mindfulness is an essential component for growth, learning and change. 

Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor of Medicine Emeritus and creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, has the most straightforward definition of mindfulness I have seen: Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.

This type of attentional awareness allows us to see things more as they are instead of through our judgmental filter, which in turn allows us to focus on that which truly will bring change, growth and learning. 

One of the most basic of mindfulness practices is also one of the most broadly useful:  mindful breathing.  All that is entailed is to pay attention to the flow of breath, inhalation, and exhalation; simple, sustained attention.  I can hear you now, "what if my attention wanders, to something else or other thoughts?"  Then, when you notice your attention has shifted away from your breath, you simply acknowledge the fact to yourself kindly, and again intentionally move your attention back to your breath; inhalation, exhalation. This is called mindful breathing practice because the more you practice, as with any skill, the better you become at placing your attention intentionally where you want.  And there you have basic, simple mindfulness.