You gotta be kidding met

Ok... a fourth trip without Chemo. I’m pissed... but its y own body doing this to me. (s l o w b u r n).

2019 & 2020

2019 waa supposed to be the nadir,  as bad as it gets.  Yeah, right.

The Real Chemo

After two "dress rehearsals, " today is supposed to be for real. I did one last rehearsal.  I gagged on my anti-nausea pill and became nauseous (only me!l). We’re ready to go.

Chemo itself wasn’t bad.  Twelve hours later I was a sick mess. The side effects are real... nausea, pain, fatigue. I hope we killed some cancer cells today.

Thursday and the nausea, fatigue and pain are worse,

Friday... maybe slightly better... got ahead of the nausea a bit.

chemo Day 1 (almost)

It’s been over five years since I posted here. In the interim, I’ve had two heart attacks and success recovering from each. But now I hav my most serious challenge, pancreatic cancer.

Historically pacnreatic cancer was typically discovered in later phases 3 months into the 3rd or 4th stages with no symptoms until then. Mine was such a case.

I was in the later stages, (4th stage)

and the cancer got a headstart on me.  A fall the Wednesday before  i had an appointment an ER visit ended with a Friday discharge, and rescheduling for tomorrow (July 1) and for July  8. I have every right to be upset but carrying that around would pop my bubble of positivity. So, yes, another opportunity to get treated with meds designed to kill cancer cells, as well assome of the good cells.  Guess i should be grateful.

Being on Your Own Side

Not long ago I came across a mindfulness exercise:  "Several time a day, ask yourself: Am I on my own side here?  Am I looking out for my own best interests?"  This exercise in mindfulness hits the heart of the matter for me, as I tend to be my own worst critic, as well as helping others first regardless of the impact on myself.

I noticed a few things while practicing being mindful of these questions when I felt hurt, disappointed, stressed and irritated.  My usual (internal) style of dealing with these kinds of feelings has been to feel sorry for myself, and replay internal messages that have developed through the years that tell me I'm not worth being treated well.  Failed past relationships (of many types) play a role here, and my primary fear is being vulnerable, put down, minimized, or disrespected.  And acting out of that fear, it seems, has simply propagated the failures by leading me to act in ways that ensure that the fear is played out.  In other words, I become an unconscious participant in self-sabotage.

A case in point from this week illustrates the pattern trying exerting itself.  A friend, who had asked to have lunch so they could process a situation, postponed lunch once, then decided to go to work on the rescheduled date, forgetting to let me know.  My internal thought habits rapidly kicked in!  "I'm not worth the respect of a phone call."  "I'm not valued."  "I won't say anything about how it felt because I don't want them to feel bad."  "Why should I care about me, no one else does."  But this time, given the mindfulness practice instruction, I became consciously aware of this chain of thought.  I stayed with the feelings.  When the habitual thoughts were presented, I could, in the moment, see them in term of how and why they arose.  Other past feelings of rejection had put me on hyper-alert for signs of rejection.  And seeing this, I asked myself how much of what I'm feeling belongs to those past events, and how much belongs to what is presently happening?  I know this friend was not rejecting me, but has many things distracting their attention.  This was the reason they asked to talk in the first place!  But I saw a pattern of allowing it to be okay for someone to disrespect me.  By not being clear about how it felt, I have tacitly and inadvertently given the message that it's okay not to be considerate of me.   This is the part of me that fears asserting myself and defers instead of insisting on being treated well.  But am I on my own side when I do that?  Clearly not!  When someone else is disrespected, I will speak out.  As hard as it is to do so (because it is not yet my pattern), if I don't insist on respect for myself, then who will?

We cannot change our futures by continuing to repeat the failed patterns of the past.  And we cannot expect others to respect us if we don't first respect ourselves.